Wednesday, October 8, 2008

What will make my penis bigger?


Digg!

I hate spam. Hate it. I'm sure lots of people do - but as a webmaster I have lots of catch-all e-mail addresses that point to various domains I own and manage. The result is that I collect all of the spam from the various guess-bots out there throwing unsolicited advertising my way. And what must spammers think of the average Internet user out there?

As near as I can tell, they assume we're all male, we all want to get high, and we all want bigger dicks.

Well, I'm male. I admit that I wouldn't mind getting high were it not for all the health and legal issues that can lead to. And yes, I'd love to have a bigger dick.

The "high" issue can wait for another article - but what about this "penis enlargement" thing?

Is there some way to get a bigger penis? Could ANY of the crap that spammers send me (and the rest of you) actually get you a bigger penis?

The skeptic would like to see more evidence, but the OBVIOUS observation is this: If penis enlargement drugs and equipment worked, every guy would already have an enormous penis. We'd be toting them around in wheelbarrows. If an attractive person walked by we'd tip over. We'd need so much blood to maintain our erections that we'd nearly lose consciousness when aroused, maintaining only enough clarity of mind to perform basic thrusts.

If something like this really worked - REALLY worked - would you need to get it from an unsolicited e-mail? Wouldn't you be able to buy it at Wal-Mart? Or have it issued to you by your doctor when you turn 18?

Penis enlargement drugs and tools don't "really" work - except as a means to separate the male from his cash.

Are there exceptions? Only if you consider an "erection" to equate to "enlargement." We do know that certain drugs (available by prescription) can improve or enable an erection. But that's not what most spammers are advertising.

Let's look at an example of recent marketing:


Hmmm. It's certainly suggestive: giant pole, line of women wanting to sit in lap, etc...

But what is "Natural Male Enhancement?"

The ingredients are a blend of herbs, and are marketed as an herbal remedy. But the commercials have the look and feel of a high-end pharmaceutical. Why's that? Because the guy who marketed Enzyte is a tricky dude.

His name is Steve Warshak and he got sent to the jail house. His scam was simple: Offer a free sample of the product, and then automatically (and deceptively) enroll you in a monthly-fee subscription program. And he did lots of other stuff too. Got 25 years. They don't do hard labor anymore, do they?

Skeptics are the natural enemy of herbal remedies because those remedies are allowed to be marketed outside of clinical trial programs. In other words, they're allowed to be sold as "cures" without any scientific proof that they work.

Does Enzyte or any herbal remedy give you a stiffer, firmer, better quality woody? Well, it depends. Do you think it will? Because in a sexually health adult, a lot of our sexual efficacy is tied directly to our mind's perceptions. If you believe in the power of herbals to give you mighty wood, then perhaps they will. But there is no science (that I could dig up) which supports the hidden advertised service in these products - in other words, no science supports any pills giving you a larger penis beyond what a normal erection would provide.

OK - but what about penis pumps, you may ask?


Surely if they work for Austin "Danger" Powers then they'll work for you, right?

Sorry, lads. There's just no science behind it. Like our friends the herbal stiffeners, Mr. Penis Pump can only provide a psychological boost (and a temporary erection in the pump). There is no medical evidence (according to my research) that these things will actually provide an increase in penis size. But that doesn't mean they're not amusing. So pump away, little soldiers. Pump away.

In the mean time, if you're wondering if your wang is wondrous or wan, why not check out this article on average penis size?

Oh, I almost forgot to answer the titular question:
Q: What will actually make your penis larger?
A: An erection.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

A Seminal Event in Urban Legends


Digg!

There is an urban legend that goes like this:
"Did you hear about [popular rock star]? He got sick and had to be rushed to the hospital. They had to pump his stomach and they found out it had a gallon of semen in it!"


I heard this story in the late 1980's and even though I was no skeptic back then, I still thought the story sounded fishy. I didn't have the resources like www.snopes.com to look up the facts, or the proper reference materials to work out the logistics of such a ridiculous claim.

But I do now. And while Snopes does a nice job of explaining that yes, this is an urban legend, I think a little "show your work" might have been in order. Let's do it here. Right here - right now!

What are the logistics of such a fellatious feat? What do we need to know to figure out whether this story is even possible?

If we go with the most common version of the story that I've heard, we're dealing with a gallon of semen. Snopes mentions 7 ounces, 1 gallon and 10 gallons.

OK, then what's the capacity of the human stomach?

According to my research the human stomach can hold around a liter of food, but can be distended to hold up to 4 liters. (A discomfortable thought.) It turns out that 1 gallon is equal to 3.79 liters - which is very close to the maximum capacity of a stomach. If our story were true, this seems the most likely quantity of man juice. (10 gallons has to be discarded as a hypothesis because it exceeds the maximum possible stomach capacity.)

How big are these numbers?

7 oz = .21 liters = 14 tablespoons
1 gallon = 3.79 liters = 256 tablespoons

According to my research on semen volume, the average ejaculation contains about 5cc of semen.

If the 7 oz story were correct, that would equate to 210 cc - or 42 loads of sploodge.

If the 1 gallon story were correct?
1 liter = 1000 cc
3.79 liters = 3790 cc
3790/5 = 758 ejaculations worth of semen.

If each man came but once into [famous rock star]'s mouth - that's a lot of guys to have to keep a pretty shocking secret. (And it's a long wait in line, too.)

We can presume the real premise of the story is that [famous rock star] is secretly gay and has these huge man orgies where he gives mouth-service to a long line of gentlemen callers. (Snopes calls it a "sour grapes" story.)

Mathematically, the story is just silly. 758 guys didn't stand in line for this. If each oral service session that [famous rock star] had to give lasted a mere 5 minutes, it would take more than 2 and a half days of non-stop sucking. (758 x 5 = 3790 minutes ... 3790 min/60 = 63.16 hours ... 63.16/24 = 2.63 days)

I don't care how dedicated you are, nobody can stay awake sucking cocks for 2.6 days. You have to stop to sleep every now and then, and sooner or later your mouth would get dry or you'd need to go take dump... It's just not feasible.

758 men would probably have difficulty standing in line for 2.6 days too. Of course they could come in shifts.

OK - what if it wasn't other men's sploodge? Like what if [famous rock star] did drink a gallon of semen, but it was his own? Is that possible? Well, based on the 5 cc baseline, if [famous rock star] masturbated once per day into a gallon container, he could achieve the required 758 ejaculations in just over 2 years. Not a completely impossible task, but one wonders whether the 5 cc average could be maintained with a daily ejaculation? (Thanks to alert reader Jeremy for catching my previous math mistake.)

So, the bottom line is that we can safely presume this story to be false, because if it were true over 2.6 days the semen being ingested would be digested and there wouldn't be a gallon of the stuff to pump out at the ER.

But what if it were just 7 oz? That's still 42 loads of sploodge. At 5 mins per blowjob, that still takes [famous rock star] 3 and a half hours of marathon blow job delivery. I suspect there might possibly be people out there who could blow 42 guys in a setting - but [famous rock star] is not one of them. Next time you hear this story or any version of it, you can say, "that story is logistically unlikely to be true." After all, just because you think [famous rock star]'s music sucks, it doesn't necessarily mean that he himself sucks.

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See any errors? Have any comments? Let me know!

Welcome! You've got male!

Hello,

This is a blog where I will be discussing skepticism as applied to adult concepts. This blog is not for children - though it may occasionally be childish. What do I mean by adult concepts? Well, mostly I mean things that have to do with sex. Perhaps these topics are being discussed elsewhere? That's OK. I'm going to discuss them here too.

Until I get my first article put together, piece out.

-DS