We've all heard the story before. A man (perhaps a famous actor?) goes to Emergency Room with an embarrassing problem. He's got this rodent stuck in his butt. Apparently, this is the result of a strange fetish called "Hamster Stuffing" - but also known as "Rodent Ramming," "Gerbil Jabbing," a "Fuzzy McButtstuffin," or a "PETA Enema." Admittedly I made up all those names - but that's because the whole "Hamster Stuffing" idea is also fictional.
The "famous actor" in the FICTIONAL story is most often Richard Gere. But the story predates Mr. Gere's "involvement" and is probably at heart an anti-homosexual urban legend, frequently tinged with AIDS and meant to cater to those who suspect that "whatever the gays are up to" is probably worse than they'd even imagined. Of course there are some amusing variations on the tale (well, mildly amusing) that involve the hamster being blown out explosively by a methane explosion - but aside from the slapstick nature of that particular variant the story is more salacious than humorous. Once again Snopes.com provides an informative analysis of the tale.
In "The Encyclopedia of Urban Legends," Jan Harold Brunvand traces this tale back to 1984 when it was attributed to a Philly news anchor as well as the unfortunate Mr. Gere. Poor Mr. Gere's name got involved when some jerk faxed fake news stories all over Southern California claiming he'd been involved in "the incident."
But there was no incident. And how can we know? Well the first way is that if there were any pleasure to be milked out of having a rodent crawl around in one's lower bowels, we'd have pictures of it all over the Internet. If you're brave enough to turn off your Google search filters and actually try and find pictures or video of "gerbil stuffing" you'll be either relieved or disappointed (or perhaps a little of both) to find there aren't any.
But could it even be done? The story usually involves a tube being inserted to allow the gerbil/hamster/mouse past the sphincter. Stranger things have made their way into the lower GI.
Per everyone's favorite skeptical investigator - The Straight Dope Things retrieved (per medical journals) from folks rectal regions include:
A bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's syrup, an ax handle, a nine-inch zucchini, countless dildoes and vibrators including one 14-inch model complete with two D-cell batteries, a plastic spatula, a 9-1/2-inch water bottle, a deodorant bottle, a Coke bottle, a large bottle cap, numerous other bottles, a 3-1/2-inch Japanese glass float ball, an 11-inch carrot, an antenna rod, a 150-watt light bulb, a 100-watt frosted bulb, a cucumber, a screwdriver, four rubber balls, 72-1/2 jeweler's saws (all from one patient, but not all at the same time, although 29 were discovered on one occasion), a paperweight, an apple, an onion, a plastic toothbrush package, two bananas, a frozen pig's tail (it got stuck when it thawed), a ten-inch length of broomstick, an 18-inch umbrella handle and central rod, a plantain encased in a condom, two Vaseline jars, a whiskey bottle with a cord attached, a teacup, an oil can, a six-by-five-inch tool box weighing 22 ounces, a six-inch stone weighing two pounds (in the latter two cases the patients died due to intestinal obstruction), a baby powder can, a test tube, a ball-point pen, a peanut butter jar, candles, baseballs, a sand-filled bicycle inner tube, sewing needles, a flashlight, a half-filled tobacco pouch, a turnip, a pair of eyeglasses, a hard-boiled egg, a carborundum grindstone (with handle), a suitcase key, a syringe, a file, tumblers and glasses, a polyethylene waste trap from the U-bend of a sink, and much, much more.Wow. And if that list isn't convincing enough - what about this fabulous photo from the medical website "The Radiological Pic of the Day" (sadly on hiatus for lack of submissions - stupid HIPPA laws...) :
But none of these incidents directly addresses the real question - could you put a hamster or a gerbil up your butt? Probably. But it would be unwise to do so. And not just because the animal would interact poorly with the other wildlife already present in most people's colons!
No, it turns out that rodents have sharp and powerful teeth and could rip their way out of your bowels and into your abdomen where they would doubtless give you a nasty case of peritonitis in addition to the internal bleeding.
So even though you might be able to get a cardboard gerbil launcher put together and inserted into your butt - and even if you could construct a small plunger to force the gerbil out of the tube and into the bowels - it is a VERY BAD IDEA TO DO SO.
And even putting other household objects in the bung hole is dangerous and should be avoided. Although medical journals and other sources indicate that the majority of these cases are performed by the mentally ill or the intoxicated, though some were clearly things being stuffed away prior to a jail visit. In one small study (probably not a big enough study to draw good conclusions from) around 20% of the patients who had to go to the ER ended up with either a temporary or permanent colostomy.
On the other hand, if you have to have something up your butt (for whatever reason) there are a variety of reasonably safe latex products which should suit the bill. If you find yourself having these kinds of anal urges it is probably best to get one of these products prior to your next drinking binge or bout with mental illness. I'm no doctor, but if I absolutely had to recommend something to stuff in your butt I'd recommend a rubber or latex butt-plug. (But find out if you have a latex allergy first!!! That's a terrible place to discover your allergy.)
And remember this too: Extended use of even the safest inserted anal-devices can lead to permanent rectal incontinence - per the doctors. (That means your poop door won't stay closed on its own, folks. That's no good.)
Sources:
http://www.snopes.com/risque/homosex/gerbil.asp
http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/celebrities/a/richard_gere.htm
http://www.surgerychannel.com/colonresection/index.shtml
http://scienceblogs.com/insolence/2007/10/pulling_it_out_of_your_ass.php
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